Revival!

It's been a while, here is the recent movie roundup.

The Reaping

A town beset by the plagues from the book of Exodus? A cool idea, ruined by shoddy writing, bad acting, and major plot holes. I will spare you my rant about how hollywood writer's address crisises of faith and how they need to learn nuance if they want it to be believable.

Believer's

An interesting twist on doomsday cult movies still suffers from problems but is still a decent film in its' own right.

One Missed Call

Creepy until the dead body chases the heroine, then it's pretty silly and derivitive.

Tideland

Acting? Superb. Well-shot? Yes. Well-written? Hell, no! What could have been a moving story ends up just being a seemingly endless parade of disturbing visual after another with no apparent point. Skip this and rent Pan's Labyrinth.

The Upside Of Cannibalism

Are you tired of all that anti-cannibal propoganda? Well, here comes Ravenous to show you the BENEFITS of consuming the flesh of humans.

The movie's setting is creative for a cannibal movie. It's the mexican-american war and takes place at an isolated army fort. The newly promoted coward Boyd is stationed tere and soon a crazy man is discovered who is the last surviving member of a party that got lost and started eating each other. Now we're back in the realm of convention. It is then discovered that he did not flee for his life as he claimed, but ate the whole party. He then goes nuts and kills most of the army dudes. Boyd escapes and survives by eating one of his fellow soldiers. We then get back to the same army base some time later and Boyd is suspected of killing the other soldiers and some new ones who are killed during his trial. It turns out it's just the crazy guy and one of the other soldiers who it turns out isn't dead but became a cannibal. Here is where it gets strange.

The movie asserts that eating human flesh makes you stronger, healthier, and can help you to survive mortal wounds. There's also the small matter of being possesed by a spirit who is always hungry for human flesh, but that's a small thing. There's a big end battle and everyone dies and that's the end.

It's a badly paced movie, as most of the action is over before the halfway mark and the rest is slower than a dead snail. The acting is actually decent due to the prescence of several respectable b-list celebs. The story is more creative than the average cannibal movie despite falling to convention a bit in the first half and the characters that get developed do have some amount of depth. This makes it easier to cheer for the hero, flaws and all.

C-

Oh, I should also note that there are a few places that the soundtrack makes no sense. Like the upbeat music while the crazy guy goes on a killing spree. It's hoe-down time with the cannibals!

Strange...

You know how vampires have become romaticized and everybody and their mom wants to be one? If you're entirely unimpressed by this movement, this is the movie for you.

30 Days Of Night opens with a tanker, stranded in the ice, and a mysterious man walking towards Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost point in the US. It's a simple concept, really, and I wonder why nobody hought of it before (even one of the vampires comment on how they, "should have come here ages ago").

I was skeptical about 15 year old Josh Hartnett.....wait, he's not a teen, he just looks like one.....a teenage Keanu Reeves, only he has acting ability. Hartnett really isn't terribly interesting to watch in large doses, but he manages to pull it off once things get going. He isn't given much to work with as far as character, though. I quite literally couldn't tell you any distinguishing characteristics about any of the people in the movie. Nobody really has a personality, and while the horror genre has never been known for character development, it would be nice to at least give them something to stand out.

The vampires are not the seductive, romanticized versions, but more like the feral, bloodthirsty, souless abominations they were always meant to be. This makes them that much more frightening, as their sole purpose for coming to Barrow is to feed on every human there. The leader is the most interesting character in the movie, he's creepy with his slack jaw and slower, more determined movements.

There's also a few conventions, like the woodchipper, you just KNOW something is going to end up in there for a death scene. The ending is actually pretty cool, and the final scene was very powerful.

So, despite some glaring flaws, it's still a worthwhile and entertaining movie.

C+

It Seemed Like A Good Idea

To call Across The Universe a two hour music video would be generous. Not that a musical based on Beatles songs is a bad idea, even making it a love story wasn't a bad idea. You take seven or eight Beatles songs that can be fit into a coherent narrative and you can make a nice tribute to an incredibly important band....or you can be Across The Universe.

What the movie did right:

It looks real pretty. There are a few amusing Beatles references.

That's about it, seriously.

What the movie did wrong:

Instead of using the actual Beatles songs or having talened artists cover the Beatles songs, let's give the cast the chance to sing. The result may sound like all four Beatles being anally violated, but whatever, we have a fetish for the Fab Four.

Coherent plot? Character development? Creativity? Those things would take up room where we could be sticking more bad Beatles covers! Let's instead use a paper thin, pasted together and contrived story as an excuse to make people listen to these bastardizations of Beatles classics. Let's introduce minor characters that have no bearing on the main story at all. Let's not explain critical plot points or develop ANYTHING. Let's make the main character a guy who cheats on his girlfriend and get the audience to wish that his relationship with the other woman works out. Let's make everyone a cliche.

Bottom line? It sucked.

D+

Ten For October

Since it is October and I need filler material until I can get to the theater, here is a list of ten horror movies that should be called a crime against humanity. I'll ignore the obvious options.

10. Friday The 13th

Yes, the classic horror film is on the list. That's because it really, really sucks. It's dull, the characters are boring, the pacing is too slow, the acting sucks, and there's no creepy atmosphere. It's also really, really tame. It might have been something decades ago, but it has not stood the test of time, and thus, is on the list.

9. Saw 2

Keeping in mind that I thought the original Saw was a decent enough movie, we go to the first sequal. It's pretty much a ripoff of the movie Cube. The plot of Cube was that a bunch of people wake up in a giant cube filled with traps that they have to avoid in order to get out alive. The hispanic guy goes batsh*t for no good reason and tries to kill everyone else. The plot of Saw 2 was a bunch of people wake up in a house filled with traps they must beat in order to escape alive. The hispanic guy goes batsh*t for no good reason.

8. Dark Water

It's a silly premise and nothing about the story, characters, or effects saves it. *snooze*

7. The Ring 2

The Ring was a good horror remake that had a suspenseful story and a complex villian. The Ring 2 takes all that made the first movie interesting and throws it away for a more by-the-numbers film with goofy, CGI deer. We also learn Samara may be the child of a demon.

6. White Noise

Firstly, EVP is nonsense and isn't at all creepy. Secondly, this plot makes no f*cking sense. Man becomes a crime-stopper, then tries to stop a murder plot headed by three ghosts. He is then killed by these ghosts while stopping the murder. It's confusing and blah. The sequal would, however, find a way to be worse.

5. White Noise 2

You know what I think of this movie.

4. Resident Evil

Video games should not be made into movies. This one was no exception. It makes zombies boring, and has some horrid CGI for such a big budget film.

3. Pulse

It had everything, ghosts that travel by wireless internet and suck out people's souls, stereotypical black characters, continuity errors, and....um.....bad acting.....ok, so the movie was absurd and laughable and the ending didn't fit with the rest of the story.

2. Saw 3

I nearly fell asleep watching this. It freaked out my brother, since he and a friend of ours were cringing while I calmly ate my popcorn and caught 40 winks as a woman got her chest ripped off. The franchise got worse with each sequal, and now with a new movie coming out (and two more planned after that), it's sure to be worse. And yet, will I be seeing it? maybe...

1. Alien Resurrection

I adore Alien and Aliens, they're two of the greatest sci-fi/horror films ever made. I even have some love for Alien 3, despite being crap, it had its' redeeming aspects. The fourth movie, however, is a disgrace to films and the ugliest pile of steaming sh*t to ever come from a well-written franchise. The story throws logic, characterization, and fun to the wind, giving us a nonsensical story. The main plot points don't even work, how did they get any DNA to clone Ripley out of the furnace after 200 years? Why is her DNA merged with alien DNA? Why did we need to see Ripley have sex with an alien? Gaaaah!

That's that, my bottom ten.

They Are The Aqua Teens, I Guess

So, I'm a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It works as ten minutes of random weirdness that manages to be consistently amusing.

Not so for the movie. The thin plot doesn't hold up to the 80 minute run time. Not that the show was ever known for having a plot, but random weirdness only really works in short bursts. There were some funny moments, and the revelation that Frylock is a woman trapped in a man's body and thus a lesbian was a nice suprise. Oh well, it's not like anyone will be talking about this movie in the future, and this ws better than when I was forced to sit through the suicide inducing Spongbob Squarepants movie.

D+

Snakes In LA!

So, I have found what may posibly be the worst movie in the last five years. Dragon Wars!!!!!!!!!

From the first moment I read the plot summery, I could smell the sweet odor of creme de la crap, but it was the comparison to Ed Wood's films that really made me want to see this movie.

We start off with a little bit of a legend, which the movie then proceeds to flesh out, in every minute detail, for the entire first 45 minutes of the film. This allows the movie to have glaring typos in the subtitles ("She bares the mark of the red dragon"). Turns out that there's very little dragon or war in the movie. The CGI is mediocre, but passable, not that much exciting is done with it. The fights are badly done and unintentionally funny, especially the final battle, which looks more like a monster sex scene. I couldn't stop laughing until it was over.

There's also bad cuts and continuity errors. The first flashback is fifteen years ago, then they say the flashback was ten years ago. In another scene, Ethan is standing up on one side of the room and then in the next shot he's sitting down on the othr side of the room. Total time that passed? 0.05 seconds.

Overall: F+

This Year So Far

To catch everyone up on my track record, I'm going to make some brief remarks about some of this year's most craptastic albums and movies.

First, movies,

White Noise 2: The Light - D-

I know, your first thought, beyond maybe, "What the hell was White Noise?", is, "They made a sequal to that bore-fest?". It's true, the sequal exists. It's a direct to dvd release that really doesn't continue the first movie at all, in fact, it was concieved as a totally different movie. So why the name attachment? Did the director believe that it would boost sales?

Anyway, this stars Nathan Fillion, former star of Firefly. He is the movie's only saving grace. The man can act, though he has a terrible script to work with here. The plot is basically, after a near-death experience, Nathan Fillion can see glowing auras around people who are about to die. He can also see ghosts which pop out of random places like Halloween pop-up cards from Hallmark. He uses this ability to save people, but it turns out that if people don't die when they were supposed to die, they become possessed by the devil and turn into psychotic killers.

None of this is scary, it's actually amusingly absurd. Saving people's lives allows the devil to wreck havoc on the world? Is he really that desperate?

Ghost Rider - D+

Talk about a wasted opportunity! This movie could have kicked some serious ass as a dark, action/horror film. I mean, the protagonist is immortal, he turns into a badass motorcyclist with a flaming skull for a head and can kill you by looking at you OR with that chain whip. Instead, we get a campy movie that has incredibly shoddy writing. There's never even a real battle! All the villians are dispatched fairly easily, even the final villian. There's bad acting from pretty much everyone, leaving it unsatisfying. So why is it above WN2? Simply put, the motorcycle riding scenes are pretty sweet. Someone should YouTube them.

Becoming Jane - C-

I'll admit right here, I do think Jane Austen is a talented writer. There is simply no way she was as boring as this movie portrays. The acting is pretty good, and it's pretty, but the script doesn't feel like a biopic, more like a nonsensical romance/tragedy that just happens to have Austen as a main character. Characters make choices that are never explained, events are never explored, and nothing is ever revealed about Austen except that she never got married. Seriously, that is ALL I learned from this movie.

Shrek The Third - C-

Hate me all you want, this movie sucked. I actually thought the first Shrek was pretty good, if vastly overhyped. The second one was awful except for the one scene with Gingy and Pinocchio. This movie is better than the second, but it's obvious that they've run out of ideas. The jokes are repetitive and the script is predictable. It's like watching an after-school special.

Now for music,

Half Past Forever - Take A Chance On Something Beautiful - D+

What did I expect? It's an album from Chris Sligh, pre-AI. It's got all the CCM cliches and sounds like a poor man's U2 when it isn't busy being generic CCM-rock. Cris's voice isn't terrible, but it's often buried under the music. The songs are also impossible to remember after hearing them, and I've listened to the album many, many times. It's just bad.

Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long - C-

I will first note that from a musical standpoint, this album is pretty fun for the most part. The most lyrically atrocious song on the album actually has some really nice music. The lyrics, however, are horrid, horrid, horrid. Adam's obsession with sex continues to bog down his songwriting and it's old. We get it, you're horny, let's move on.

I also write music reiews on Epinions (brenron), here are some of those links,

Paris_Hilton_-_Paris

Lifehouse_-_Who_We_Are

Fergie_-_The_Dutchess

The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen_-_The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen

Well, S#!T!

I have a chronic problem, I love bad movies and bad music and bad tv. I am addicted.

Thus begins the madness and the ranting.