So, I'm a fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It works as ten minutes of random weirdness that manages to be consistently amusing.
Not so for the movie. The thin plot doesn't hold up to the 80 minute run time. Not that the show was ever known for having a plot, but random weirdness only really works in short bursts. There were some funny moments, and the revelation that Frylock is a woman trapped in a man's body and thus a lesbian was a nice suprise. Oh well, it's not like anyone will be talking about this movie in the future, and this ws better than when I was forced to sit through the suicide inducing Spongbob Squarepants movie.
D+
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Snakes In LA!
So, I have found what may posibly be the worst movie in the last five years. Dragon Wars!!!!!!!!!
From the first moment I read the plot summery, I could smell the sweet odor of creme de la crap, but it was the comparison to Ed Wood's films that really made me want to see this movie.
We start off with a little bit of a legend, which the movie then proceeds to flesh out, in every minute detail, for the entire first 45 minutes of the film. This allows the movie to have glaring typos in the subtitles ("She bares the mark of the red dragon"). Turns out that there's very little dragon or war in the movie. The CGI is mediocre, but passable, not that much exciting is done with it. The fights are badly done and unintentionally funny, especially the final battle, which looks more like a monster sex scene. I couldn't stop laughing until it was over.
There's also bad cuts and continuity errors. The first flashback is fifteen years ago, then they say the flashback was ten years ago. In another scene, Ethan is standing up on one side of the room and then in the next shot he's sitting down on the othr side of the room. Total time that passed? 0.05 seconds.
Overall: F+
From the first moment I read the plot summery, I could smell the sweet odor of creme de la crap, but it was the comparison to Ed Wood's films that really made me want to see this movie.
We start off with a little bit of a legend, which the movie then proceeds to flesh out, in every minute detail, for the entire first 45 minutes of the film. This allows the movie to have glaring typos in the subtitles ("She bares the mark of the red dragon"). Turns out that there's very little dragon or war in the movie. The CGI is mediocre, but passable, not that much exciting is done with it. The fights are badly done and unintentionally funny, especially the final battle, which looks more like a monster sex scene. I couldn't stop laughing until it was over.
There's also bad cuts and continuity errors. The first flashback is fifteen years ago, then they say the flashback was ten years ago. In another scene, Ethan is standing up on one side of the room and then in the next shot he's sitting down on the othr side of the room. Total time that passed? 0.05 seconds.
Overall: F+
This Year So Far
To catch everyone up on my track record, I'm going to make some brief remarks about some of this year's most craptastic albums and movies.
First, movies,
White Noise 2: The Light - D-
I know, your first thought, beyond maybe, "What the hell was White Noise?", is, "They made a sequal to that bore-fest?". It's true, the sequal exists. It's a direct to dvd release that really doesn't continue the first movie at all, in fact, it was concieved as a totally different movie. So why the name attachment? Did the director believe that it would boost sales?
Anyway, this stars Nathan Fillion, former star of Firefly. He is the movie's only saving grace. The man can act, though he has a terrible script to work with here. The plot is basically, after a near-death experience, Nathan Fillion can see glowing auras around people who are about to die. He can also see ghosts which pop out of random places like Halloween pop-up cards from Hallmark. He uses this ability to save people, but it turns out that if people don't die when they were supposed to die, they become possessed by the devil and turn into psychotic killers.
None of this is scary, it's actually amusingly absurd. Saving people's lives allows the devil to wreck havoc on the world? Is he really that desperate?
Ghost Rider - D+
Talk about a wasted opportunity! This movie could have kicked some serious ass as a dark, action/horror film. I mean, the protagonist is immortal, he turns into a badass motorcyclist with a flaming skull for a head and can kill you by looking at you OR with that chain whip. Instead, we get a campy movie that has incredibly shoddy writing. There's never even a real battle! All the villians are dispatched fairly easily, even the final villian. There's bad acting from pretty much everyone, leaving it unsatisfying. So why is it above WN2? Simply put, the motorcycle riding scenes are pretty sweet. Someone should YouTube them.
Becoming Jane - C-
I'll admit right here, I do think Jane Austen is a talented writer. There is simply no way she was as boring as this movie portrays. The acting is pretty good, and it's pretty, but the script doesn't feel like a biopic, more like a nonsensical romance/tragedy that just happens to have Austen as a main character. Characters make choices that are never explained, events are never explored, and nothing is ever revealed about Austen except that she never got married. Seriously, that is ALL I learned from this movie.
Shrek The Third - C-
Hate me all you want, this movie sucked. I actually thought the first Shrek was pretty good, if vastly overhyped. The second one was awful except for the one scene with Gingy and Pinocchio. This movie is better than the second, but it's obvious that they've run out of ideas. The jokes are repetitive and the script is predictable. It's like watching an after-school special.
Now for music,
Half Past Forever - Take A Chance On Something Beautiful - D+
What did I expect? It's an album from Chris Sligh, pre-AI. It's got all the CCM cliches and sounds like a poor man's U2 when it isn't busy being generic CCM-rock. Cris's voice isn't terrible, but it's often buried under the music. The songs are also impossible to remember after hearing them, and I've listened to the album many, many times. It's just bad.
Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long - C-
I will first note that from a musical standpoint, this album is pretty fun for the most part. The most lyrically atrocious song on the album actually has some really nice music. The lyrics, however, are horrid, horrid, horrid. Adam's obsession with sex continues to bog down his songwriting and it's old. We get it, you're horny, let's move on.
I also write music reiews on Epinions (brenron), here are some of those links,
Paris_Hilton_-_Paris
Lifehouse_-_Who_We_Are
Fergie_-_The_Dutchess
The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen_-_The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen
First, movies,
White Noise 2: The Light - D-
I know, your first thought, beyond maybe, "What the hell was White Noise?", is, "They made a sequal to that bore-fest?". It's true, the sequal exists. It's a direct to dvd release that really doesn't continue the first movie at all, in fact, it was concieved as a totally different movie. So why the name attachment? Did the director believe that it would boost sales?
Anyway, this stars Nathan Fillion, former star of Firefly. He is the movie's only saving grace. The man can act, though he has a terrible script to work with here. The plot is basically, after a near-death experience, Nathan Fillion can see glowing auras around people who are about to die. He can also see ghosts which pop out of random places like Halloween pop-up cards from Hallmark. He uses this ability to save people, but it turns out that if people don't die when they were supposed to die, they become possessed by the devil and turn into psychotic killers.
None of this is scary, it's actually amusingly absurd. Saving people's lives allows the devil to wreck havoc on the world? Is he really that desperate?
Ghost Rider - D+
Talk about a wasted opportunity! This movie could have kicked some serious ass as a dark, action/horror film. I mean, the protagonist is immortal, he turns into a badass motorcyclist with a flaming skull for a head and can kill you by looking at you OR with that chain whip. Instead, we get a campy movie that has incredibly shoddy writing. There's never even a real battle! All the villians are dispatched fairly easily, even the final villian. There's bad acting from pretty much everyone, leaving it unsatisfying. So why is it above WN2? Simply put, the motorcycle riding scenes are pretty sweet. Someone should YouTube them.
Becoming Jane - C-
I'll admit right here, I do think Jane Austen is a talented writer. There is simply no way she was as boring as this movie portrays. The acting is pretty good, and it's pretty, but the script doesn't feel like a biopic, more like a nonsensical romance/tragedy that just happens to have Austen as a main character. Characters make choices that are never explained, events are never explored, and nothing is ever revealed about Austen except that she never got married. Seriously, that is ALL I learned from this movie.
Shrek The Third - C-
Hate me all you want, this movie sucked. I actually thought the first Shrek was pretty good, if vastly overhyped. The second one was awful except for the one scene with Gingy and Pinocchio. This movie is better than the second, but it's obvious that they've run out of ideas. The jokes are repetitive and the script is predictable. It's like watching an after-school special.
Now for music,
Half Past Forever - Take A Chance On Something Beautiful - D+
What did I expect? It's an album from Chris Sligh, pre-AI. It's got all the CCM cliches and sounds like a poor man's U2 when it isn't busy being generic CCM-rock. Cris's voice isn't terrible, but it's often buried under the music. The songs are also impossible to remember after hearing them, and I've listened to the album many, many times. It's just bad.
Maroon 5 - It Won't Be Soon Before Long - C-
I will first note that from a musical standpoint, this album is pretty fun for the most part. The most lyrically atrocious song on the album actually has some really nice music. The lyrics, however, are horrid, horrid, horrid. Adam's obsession with sex continues to bog down his songwriting and it's old. We get it, you're horny, let's move on.
I also write music reiews on Epinions (brenron), here are some of those links,
Paris_Hilton_-_Paris
Lifehouse_-_Who_We_Are
Fergie_-_The_Dutchess
The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen_-_The_Good,_The_Bad,_And_The_Queen
Well, S#!T!
I have a chronic problem, I love bad movies and bad music and bad tv. I am addicted.
Thus begins the madness and the ranting.
Thus begins the madness and the ranting.
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